CONTACT ME
I’d love you
to get in touch
ABOUT
Leaving an advertising job in London behind me, I moved to Ireland. With the Wild Atlantic Way, Cliffs of Moher and Aran Islands outside my window, the creative exposure and expression from my work became re-energised, finding a new outlet in photography. Abandoning the familiarity of a commercial aesthetic, my thoughts, needs and emotions synthesize within fine art photography and sees me questioning the validity of popular style when creating art.
LOST
The Ongoing Assignment
My most recent photographic project came about in a rather unusual way. To be candid, I never felt I fitted in, always the outsider, striving to prove myself in every group as a worthy participant. Only to end up alienating those who viewed me as pushy, a smart ass, someone who talks over others and interrupts conversations, sometimes flexing minor achievements in the hope of being valuable or useful. I missed critical details in conversations which people took to be disinterest or boredom and I forgot important dates or to arrive anywhere on time and frequently lost items. Friendships would fall by the wayside, the effort to keep them going was overwhelming. I was keen to be included in plans, but seldom made them and was never the first to initiate contact. But when I kept a friend, I was deeply loyal, always put their needs before my own and never admitted to being put out at changes in plans or cancellations whilst inwardly raging.
I love sunrise but I’m not an early riser so getting anything done early in the day was arduous. A good friend once said she struggled to get out of bed, I was utterly honest and told her I could lie awake in bed for hours trying to build up the courage to just open my eyelids. In truth I lack any motivation unless something is new, interesting or has a critical deadline. I was constantly people watching. Observing their behaviours, assessing their success, then absorbing useful ones into my own identity, mirroring positive interactions, discarding failures. I truly never felt that I had my own personality. No-one has ever seen the real me.
A member of my family drew the short straw and tentatively raised the subject of an undiagnosed neurodevelopment disorder on foot of which I did a little investigation. I compiled the first ever honest list about myself and my behaviours, completed a self assessment questionnaire online and promptly booked an appointment with my general practitioner. Outside of my family two questions always arose. Why would I bother to find out at my age, and what did I want to do if the diagnosis was positive?
Well it is positive, it’s probably genetic and I’m no younger than when the subject arose. So I can share that diagnosis with family and perhaps their journeys through life will be much easier. At the very least they can be kinder themselves and look for help and support. As for my age? Fuck you and fuck ageism! I will fight for myself, and my progeny, until I draw my last breath.
I have ADHD-C. Combined ADHD. That means I can be hyperactive and inattentive. At first I was thrilled with the news. I had a diagnosis, it all made sense, maybe I could be treated and I could put that intelligence that’s been on hold for so many years to good use? That lasted 24 hours. Then I went into an incandescent rage. And I stayed in there for a good 10 days or more. I went to Blackhead Lighthouse in the dead of night and screamed my anger, resentment, frustration and loss into the ocean and cried for the child, the teenager, the young adult, the wife, the mother the empty nester whose life could have been so, so much easier. There have been sad times in my life, but this felt like utter devastation. It’s why anti depressants never worked. Sure I was unhappy, didn’t want to live like this any more, but I wanted to live the life I felt was just out of reach, but it just never arrived. Until now.
I started walking daily. Exercise was something I’d avoided since leaving secondary school decades ago. And I only participated in sport because the aggression and violence at home drove me out of the house. On my now daily walks I’d stumble upon something left behind. A lost item either fallen by the wayside, left where it had been placed and forgotten by the owner, or placed in view by a kindly passer-by. I identified with these random items. I felt lost too. I had barely picked up the camera in over a year and certainly didn’t bring it on my walks, so I started using my smartphone and documenting the moments of lost artefacts without realising I was now starting down a healing path to find my authentic self.
The video, Lost, is a photo diary and video metaphor sprinkled with glimpses of being Lost and the struggle to cope with my person that I didn’t know or understand. Then comes the anger in the darkness when the realisation hits and is represented six times throughout the video, once for each decade of a life un-lived to its fullest potential. Finally the medication is prescribed, accepted, taken regularly and the daily ritual of a walk is initiated to attempt a return to good physical and mental health. I welcome the calm of the final acceptance and willingness to leave the past behind as I now walk into a new, more tranquil future where I finally know, understand and accept my own self. I will continue to document the lost items as an ongoing series and to keep me grounded in the experience that being diagnosed as neurodivergent has brought me.
If you live in Ireland, and this resonates with you, these resources will be helpful.
RESOURCES
My journey involved completing the self report scale, compiling a list so I wouldn’t forget things to discuss with my general practitioner, receiving a referral to see a diagnosing psychologist. Diagnosis can be carried out by a recognised psychiatrist or psychologist, but only a psychiatrist or licensed practitioner can prescribe the medication. Once I received my diagnosis my GP is happy to prescribe medication after an EEG and blood tests. The medication will be assessed after one month and the dosage varied if necessary. I am considering a counsellor/therapist who has Cognitive Behaviour Therapy training, although at my age it’s likely I have unwittingly made a lot of organisational and logistical changes to make living with undiagnosed ADHD-C less onerous – making lists, using diaries, regular alarms as reminders. Four days after my diagnosis I joined an ADHD Ireland online meeting and despite being nervous, upset and angry, I was reassured and enormously supported by others and I would highly recommend it to those who are as yet undiagnosed, and those that are diagnosed. My physical environment is slowly changing to become less chaotic and I have a personal goal of sorting out my images and brutally discarding those that do not “spark joy”. I have carved out the time to speak to my family and apologise for behaviours that were difficult but which I was unaware I could not control until now. This has been transformative for me, particularly with my children.
Lost
The Ongoing Series
Gallery of Photography Ireland
The Covid-19 lockdowns and isolations of 2020 weren’t an entire bust. I completed a couple of projects whilst keeping to the 3km then 5km radius. The thought of mingling with people, any people, outside my home bubble, really wasn’t appealing. If anything, mental and physical introversion seemed to have become ascendant and it was a difficult dynamic to refuse when the alternatives are life threatening. In the midst of the pandemic maelstrom, there was a little glimmer from a #massisolationirl project on Instagram to which I was subconsciously contributing.
Thought processes had become floating rather than planned, a monotonous routine was the path through the mundanity of life & the subconscious Instagram actions were a means of passing the time. Randomly documenting minute moments of daily life that I would normally breeze on past without imaging. I was initially uninspired to pick up the camera, but after joining a mobile phone photography workshop hosted by Brendan Ó Sé, an award-winning Irish mobile phone photographer, I was galvanised to seek out the art that I know fills my creative well. The awareness of my work was only crystallised in hindsight when I was honoured to be contacted by the Gallery of Photography Ireland and asked to submit these two images for their permanent archive.
GALLERY
SERIES 3
FAMILIAR PLACES 1
102 days of looking at four walls. 102 days of wondering will we ever leave home. 102 days of dreaming will I ever travel again. 102 days of fearing for family within the walls, out-with the walls, remote, overseas, their health, their lack of health, their lack of choice. Vulnerability and incapacity. A heady cocktail for madness in a world I feared, but never thought would come to be. 103 years. The antidote. Lifting the camera from a bag covered in fine dust, choosing my location carefully. Within 5km of home. In the midst of a small town, but overlooked by many of the customers. Invulnerable to the vagaries of the weather, dark corners, bright moments, and over a century of toil and memories trapped under grime, oil and grease from the honest work of fixing transportation – bicycles, motorcycles, cars, tractors, buses. Busted fingers, bangs on the head from the lift, danger lurking everywhere to the uninitiated. You visit a couple of times a month for fuel, maybe a couple of times a year to have something fixed. But how often do you take a really close look at your surroundings? I felt a renewing energy flowing as the lens sought out large and small moments. Mechanical, dependable, useful. A pocket of normal in a world of abnormal. A chance to restart the engine, in all senses. These images were first displayed on 20th July 2020 on Instagram.
SERIES 2
TikKlok Mass Isolation 36 Views is a photo essay that addresses isolation, loneliness and the slow passage of time in the time of the Covid-19 Pandemic Mass Isolation. Images taken at my home in Poulnagun, Co Clare, Ireland, have a nod to Hokusai in format, whilst the title acknowledges the TikTok social media platform’s energising influence during lockdown lethargy. Taking my everyday views and experiences at home whilst engaged in what I call “Isolation Housewifey Sh*t”, the one constant is the mortal ticking of the clock which cannot be manipulated to speed up to a point of safe resolution of our imposed isolation. Even as I continue to evade infection, it has evolved from a symbol of resentment and begrudgery to being a comforting companion as each tick marks another second of good health.
The video comprises the 36 images in the sequence as they were imagined and set to a soundtrack reminiscent of the mortal ticking of time. All images were released in an online exhibition on Instagram which commenced on 11th May 2020 during the Pandemic Lockdown. Three images were released every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with the exhibition reaching its conclusion on Friday 5th June 2020 with the simultaneous release of the video and my website going live.
On Monday 8th June 2020, the Appendix to the Photo Essay was released to the online exhibition on Instagram.
SERIES 2 APPENDIX
The appendix to the essay responds to the micro dynamic in the household with the youngest child in the family, soon to become the youngest adult, escaping the suffocating block walls, Microsoft Teams’ education and the inexorable final moments of his transition from childhood to adulthood 48 days later. Absorbing the space, sound & energy of the forest environment allowed him to reflect on his lost events, opportunities, time and influences that cannot be recaptured, reimagined or re-experienced.
SERIES 1
Living in a Unesco Geopark brings its joy as well as its challenges. Photographers flock to the area to capture its unique beauty, but I felt I wanted to capture my essence of the landscape and the emotions it evokes inside me. I experimented to capture different types of landscape in one frame that spoke to me beyond the digital manipulations of unrealistic scenes which evoked an overwhelming melancholy and sense of deja vue. In response to this I began to investigate the passage of time within a scene and how that translates to what I can feel when immersed in an environment that has existed in one form or another for millennia. Time, its movement and the effect it has on light have all been and continue to be a central theme and source of exploration for my fine art photography regardless of the subject or location.
This initial journey into Intentional Camera Movement (or ICM) was envisaged as a series of diptych exploring how locations remote from each other share relevance in time and space.
